This is like reading from my diary. I bi-erased my identity for years because it was just so much easier to not self-impose my own potential rejection. But one of my biggest "obstacles" is how much I truly value my female friendships. Even in a city as liberal as LA, girlies are fast-tracked to become besties instead of breasties if no one is admitting they'd as readily pick my bra clasp as they would pick my brain. And the more I get to know the vibrant, opinionated, experienced and nuanced women I've met, the more I fear telling them I'm DTF in case they get uncomfy and stop calling me for brunch altogether. As girl-horny as I can be, I've often chosen to keep girl-crushes secret forever if it risked losing an amazing platonic connection I value even more. It's why I've never told this gorgeously unique-looking Jordanian rockstar acting teacher that I'd be SO down to get naked after movie night if she wanted to, but I'd never want to make her feel weird or give her a reason to stop hanging out and hope she could truly forget I ever confessed my attraction to her if she didn't feel the same way, because I think she's a true original with a bewitching voice that I think can actually change minds for the better.
THIS IS OFFICIALLY MY FAVORITE COMMENT THAT ANYONE HAS EVER LEFT ON ANYTHING EVER. GOING DOWN IN HISTORY. :) :) :) Apologies for the late reply, I've been in a happy stupor of pinching myself and saying what-is-my-life over and over since reading this two days ago. Personal essays FOR THE WIN.
Ugh. Too relatable. There was a point a few years ago when a bunch of my gal pals who were shacked up with men expressed a desire to kiss me. I froze every time. It would have sucked though because they would have remained with their dudes, and I would have wanted more. Recently, a very beautiful bisexual friend chose me to kiss in the bathroom (she usually chooses someone to kiss), and I started getting anxious but also loved the smooching. During the party (outside of the bathroom), I started putting lip gloss all over my lips -- to a comical degree (I was very drunk), and we didn't make out anymore after that. It wasn't until the next morning I realized I was liking it too much, so I sabotaged and made myself un-kissable.
These are all the juicy bits I can think of right now.
Awwwww my honey!!! You were protecting your sweet heart with copious amounts of lip gloss! Something about that just slays me. It sounds like you have a wealth of options for casual exploration, but I feel you so hard on wanting more and knowing you'll never be someone they really invest in. This is why we all need to spend more time in queer spaces! <3
One thing that really helped me with the pressure of “I need to be the man in the relationship” is to channel men that I genuinely like and admire. Most of the men in my life are really open about their feelings, loyal, straightforward and safe. I think to myself “what would Ben do? what kind of energy would he bring to the first date?”. As a result, I’m able to still take the lead (which I genuinely really enjoy doing, I like making the first move and organize the date and make the other person feel safe and relaxed) but I’m not doing it in a selfish or closed off way. Idk if it helps others, but that really helped me!
I believe all women are bisexual to a degree. I kissed a girl under a desk in 2nd grade and never thought anything of it until 6th grade when I developed a crush on my nursery school friend. I remember looking at her and desiring her. Told her way later in life that I had a girl crush on her. For my 40th bday my guy friend dared for me to kiss one of my friends who I also had a crush on. The truth was, it was easy for me to do that. One night I met a woman in a bathroom at a club and instantly had an attraction for her. We exchanged numbers and she came over my house and we went to the movies. When I told her I felt some girl crush energy she said to me "you've got the wrong sister, my twin sister is a lesbian" I never heard from her again. I have never had sex with a woman but before I die I'd love to have some kind of serial experience. I'm 57 and have felt attracted to women most of my life. I always tell a woman who I feel is attractive that she looks beautiful. That's just me. The real me. I'm feeling there is some kind of bisexuality in me for sure. I've only dated men and married a man once. Recently single and happy. I have tbe freedom to choose what comes next! I love your honesty and style of writing Samia ❤️
Christine, thank you so much for sharing all of this! It's NEVER too late, and it sounds like you are primed and ready to go after all your bucket list dreams! I can't wait to see what you do with your freedom. :) :) :)
This is like reading from my diary. I bi-erased my identity for years because it was just so much easier to not self-impose my own potential rejection. But one of my biggest "obstacles" is how much I truly value my female friendships. Even in a city as liberal as LA, girlies are fast-tracked to become besties instead of breasties if no one is admitting they'd as readily pick my bra clasp as they would pick my brain. And the more I get to know the vibrant, opinionated, experienced and nuanced women I've met, the more I fear telling them I'm DTF in case they get uncomfy and stop calling me for brunch altogether. As girl-horny as I can be, I've often chosen to keep girl-crushes secret forever if it risked losing an amazing platonic connection I value even more. It's why I've never told this gorgeously unique-looking Jordanian rockstar acting teacher that I'd be SO down to get naked after movie night if she wanted to, but I'd never want to make her feel weird or give her a reason to stop hanging out and hope she could truly forget I ever confessed my attraction to her if she didn't feel the same way, because I think she's a true original with a bewitching voice that I think can actually change minds for the better.
THIS IS OFFICIALLY MY FAVORITE COMMENT THAT ANYONE HAS EVER LEFT ON ANYTHING EVER. GOING DOWN IN HISTORY. :) :) :) Apologies for the late reply, I've been in a happy stupor of pinching myself and saying what-is-my-life over and over since reading this two days ago. Personal essays FOR THE WIN.
Ugh. Too relatable. There was a point a few years ago when a bunch of my gal pals who were shacked up with men expressed a desire to kiss me. I froze every time. It would have sucked though because they would have remained with their dudes, and I would have wanted more. Recently, a very beautiful bisexual friend chose me to kiss in the bathroom (she usually chooses someone to kiss), and I started getting anxious but also loved the smooching. During the party (outside of the bathroom), I started putting lip gloss all over my lips -- to a comical degree (I was very drunk), and we didn't make out anymore after that. It wasn't until the next morning I realized I was liking it too much, so I sabotaged and made myself un-kissable.
These are all the juicy bits I can think of right now.
Awwwww my honey!!! You were protecting your sweet heart with copious amounts of lip gloss! Something about that just slays me. It sounds like you have a wealth of options for casual exploration, but I feel you so hard on wanting more and knowing you'll never be someone they really invest in. This is why we all need to spend more time in queer spaces! <3
so, did you tell her?
I sent her this essay and she told me! 😻
“Before you ask, yes im in therapy” 💀
Hahahaha yuuuuuup
One thing that really helped me with the pressure of “I need to be the man in the relationship” is to channel men that I genuinely like and admire. Most of the men in my life are really open about their feelings, loyal, straightforward and safe. I think to myself “what would Ben do? what kind of energy would he bring to the first date?”. As a result, I’m able to still take the lead (which I genuinely really enjoy doing, I like making the first move and organize the date and make the other person feel safe and relaxed) but I’m not doing it in a selfish or closed off way. Idk if it helps others, but that really helped me!
That's wonderful advice, thank you, Costanza! I'm going to try that. Also, what a beautiful name you have. :) Thank you so much for reading!
I believe all women are bisexual to a degree. I kissed a girl under a desk in 2nd grade and never thought anything of it until 6th grade when I developed a crush on my nursery school friend. I remember looking at her and desiring her. Told her way later in life that I had a girl crush on her. For my 40th bday my guy friend dared for me to kiss one of my friends who I also had a crush on. The truth was, it was easy for me to do that. One night I met a woman in a bathroom at a club and instantly had an attraction for her. We exchanged numbers and she came over my house and we went to the movies. When I told her I felt some girl crush energy she said to me "you've got the wrong sister, my twin sister is a lesbian" I never heard from her again. I have never had sex with a woman but before I die I'd love to have some kind of serial experience. I'm 57 and have felt attracted to women most of my life. I always tell a woman who I feel is attractive that she looks beautiful. That's just me. The real me. I'm feeling there is some kind of bisexuality in me for sure. I've only dated men and married a man once. Recently single and happy. I have tbe freedom to choose what comes next! I love your honesty and style of writing Samia ❤️
Christine, thank you so much for sharing all of this! It's NEVER too late, and it sounds like you are primed and ready to go after all your bucket list dreams! I can't wait to see what you do with your freedom. :) :) :)
Loved this piece and your true honesty, I agree with Lila that it is never too late especially nowadays with all the easy ways to communicate.
Iam not a female but I totally understand your point and desires.
Please pursue your happiness and don’t stop.
Thank you so much for reading and for the encouragement!!!! :) :) :)
XOXO